It was very icy outside. The full moon rose over the eastern horizon and it was a very clear night. The sunlight reflected by the beautiful deep orange disc in the sky shone down and was diffused by the glassy ice to create an eerie glare that permeated throughout the forest. A light wind blew through the pines, creating a loud but gentle sound much like someone brushing their hair. Inside her den, below a rock crevice, on a little hillside, Mama Bear was licking her newborn cubs. There were three of them.
It was a scene that could have taken place in any century dating back millions of years. However, this being 2023, there were a few new elements to the birthing situation, unlikely to have been present until now. Unless, of course, that you believe that the arc of history is not a line but a circle, then perhaps this is just what it was like back during the Middle Pleistocene Period.
Generally speaking, mama bears don’t need no doulas or midwives. They don’t take birthing classes and their prenatal diet basically consists of as many acorns and rowan berries they can shove down their gullets before they go to bed in the Fall. And that’s usually enough. Their birthing place is a rock, or a tangle of tough tree roots. Papa Bear is nowhere to be found. They have no health insurance. No medications.
In addition, they are in mid hibernation, so they are basically giving birth in their sleep. It must seem like a dream, one of those half-awake dreams. One minute, she’s resting comfortably with a pulse of about eight beats per minute, and then suddenly she’s pushing these three creatures out of her womb and licking them clean, half asleep and groggy as hell. And it’s cold.
However, these days, in some select locations, thanks to the work of the Unbearable Private Equity Fund, bear dens have been upgraded to provide value added products and services to the modern black bear. Each den is surveilled with several webcams, along with an overhead video feed provided by a circling drone. Sensors note and record the actual temperature, the “feels like” temperature, humidity, acidity levels and barometric pressure. All of these once immutable natural elements can be modified to suit the optimum comfort level of each bear.
That’s not all. Indeed, the most valuable and prized addition to the modern black bear birthing event is the genetic engineering that takes place remotely, in real time, via the proprietary Unbearable Optimizer RNA Editor. Using the trademarked wildlife predictor database, each baby bear can be mitochondrially mutated to suit their actual surrounding habitat. Consisting of real time berry counts, edible fish inventory, river flow rate, invasive species quotients and authentic atmospheric analysis, genetic code is interrupted to produce both physical and emotional qualities that will best equip each nascent bear for success in their own particular sphere of influence.
The technology also provides some relief for Mama Bear as she tries to sleep through her hibernation as well as give birth to and nurse her cubs, all at the same time. A unique formula of synthetic enzymes and hormones is mixed onsite and airdropped into the mother’s cardiovascular system to provide both comfort and strength during these important few weeks of offspring development. Also, in a few beta testing situations, the Unbearable team is infusing happy memories into the baby cubs’ brainstems, that, slowly released over time, will help each individual bear survive the long, cold, lonely winters of the Northwoods.
Being a black bear was never easy, until now. Let’s face it, human population growth has not been kind to the bear species. With increasing habitat loss due to exponential growth of revoltingly huge and ugly McMansions, extreme heat and drought due to human-generated climate change, increased automobile traffic, hunting, poaching and removal of natural food sources, we have made being a bear a lot harder than it has to be. The Unbearable Private Equity Fund hopes to correct those adverse interventions to create a more placid and enjoyable lived experience for each one of our furry friends.
The organization is seeking modest personal investments of one to three million dollars in order to gift the black bear population a portal into the modern world of reliability and comfort. Our genetic engineering team has developed real time solid-state co-dominance overdrive injectors that stimulate metastatic immune development in each embryo. Diploid intra-cellular replicators ensure optimum genetic flourishing that guarantees maximum species growth while limiting adverse human impact. Each and every nucleotide will be inscribed with the individual investor’s monogram and social media hashtags.
Returns on your investment will be substantial. Strong market media buys, integrated with social media platform saturation will ensure continued advertising revenues rising exponentially. Each bear cub will be available for digitally imprinted brand messaging, meaning that when we say branding, we really mean branding. Cross-spectrum marketing opportunities are to be initiated with fast food, entertainment, retail, commercial real estate and adult entertainment platforms.
Let’s celebrate this year’s baby bear moon with a renewed commitment to the health of the North Country’s black bear population. They are our neighbors, our friends, our brothers and sisters, and it is time that we act with an increased level of investment and commitment to ensure that this great species survives and thrives for many centuries to come. New ones are being born as you read this now. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by. #BabyBlackBearBenevolence
THE MOSSY BOG 