The Gathering

Witherspoon was there. So was Balthasar and Galatanin. They was all looking to cash in. Not everyone knew about the goings on of course. That was some guarded knowledge that only a few was privy to. They was on the case you see. Cause not everyone is on the top licking down and scraping up the riches from down below. Some folks gotta work very hard looking out for themselves, and that means being privy to any information that might benefit them, not as a matter of recreation or hobby or what have you, but as a matter of survival. It puts food on the table but it also gives meaning to your life. If you don’t bring in a deal every so often, then what the fuck you doin out there?

Y’all need to be seedin’ cheese, some bloke said, and everyone else was thinking, what the hell does that mean? No matter. The deal was that there was going to be a bid let out for PPE, personal protective equipment, and whoever could produce the shitiest, worthless god awful product, for the most amount of money, would get the contract, courtesy of the USG.

So that’s what everyone was vying for: get the rules, run some shit, get the money. Put a fucking piece of newspaper on a stick and call it by some fancy name, sell it and you got the deal. Everyone there knew that, but they was all competing against each other.

I got a diaper soaked in biotin that you wear on your head for 72 hours, said Galatanin. Proven results.

I got a spray that diffuses a reversed atomized molecule cloud,
said Balthazar.  Scientifically developed.

I have a sweat inducing medication, heavy with electrolytes, apply daily, said Witherspoon. Clinically tested.

Now it was left up to the panel. Each petitioner had bribed a different
member of the panel, independently, and thus were convinced of their
victory and subsequent riches in the award, wholeheartedly. Each had hired a huckster doctor to prove their concept, medically. Each had hired an actor to testify, convincingly, as to how that particular treatment had saved their life.

However, each panelist had hired a substitute to represent them on the panel. And each substitute panelist had subcontracted another person to represent their perspectives on the panel. The bribes did not trickle down to the substitutes, of course, so every petitioner was left solely to their own presentation skills. Witherspoon went first. They had no questions for him, and he slunked off, dejectedly.

Galatinin spoke very eloquently, but they just stared and pretended to
write some notes, and he stormed off in disgust. Balthasar decided to
emote and broke down in tears while summarizing his pretend labwork and fake discovery model. They nodded and pretended to be moved, and he stumbled away in contrived delirium.

The panel, as it were, convened behind closed doors, meaning they each let the door close behind them as they quickly departed. They issued a statement several weeks later saying that their deliberations were ongoing.